Dreams
March 13, 2009
The world I inhabit in my dreams in not a friendly one. Most people’s dreams are a place of refuge, somewhere they feel safe and wanted. A retreat from the cold and unfriendly world they make their way through during their waking hours.
“I’ll always love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore.”
My dreams are cruel and are something I can’t seem to avoid. They are not something that makes me free or breaks the chains from my daily routine. They are the constant reminder of my past, the one failure that continues to haunt me, the love I lost and left behind. There seems to be no recourse and I can only hope that with time these wounds will heal, regardless of how large and terrible the scars may be. That somehow I’ll be able to turn my dream-turned-nightmares into what they used to be once. An escape, a calming retreat, a dream.
“I’ll always love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore.”
Although there are other things about them that seem to be literally driving me insane, the absolute worst thing about them is that they are clearly meant to remind me about how little progress I’ve made. As if my sub-conscious is pointing it’s finger and laughing at my attempts to move away from the things that have hurt me the most. It feels like walking through a desert towards what looks like an oasis only to arrive and put your hand in the water to drink and find it only an illusion, watching the calm waters move farther and farther away as you move toward it.
“I’ll always love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore.”
In these dreams I can feel her skin and lips, smell her in my nose, and see her plain as day. It feels real, as if by some miracle I’m not in a dream, and for but a moment it is actually happening. Things seem to be how I always wanted them to be. While short lived it is somewhat calming and peaceful. Nothing can touch me here, nothing can hurt me. Before I’m allowed to drink the water, with my finger tips just below the surface something changes. Something terrible and horribly wrong. The oasis is moving away from me. The cold and clean water is dripping from the tips of my fingers and I’m alone again. The one line that may haunt me for the rest of my life. Whether I find another love and live my life the way it seems I’m destined to, I have this terrible feeling that I will probably still wake up next to my future wife in a cold sweat with one sentence on my lips.
“I’ll always love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore.”
